*sees someone’s phone light up with an incoming call from someone whose name starts with a ‘G’*
“Who’s calling you? Goldie Hawn?! GOLDIE WILSON?!”
*holds phone up; reads, ‘Grandma’*
- *dad uses the paging feature on our phone to call the house from the garage because he's wrapping the shitty gifts he gets everyone at the last fucking second*
- Me: "hello?"
- Dad: "how do you spell baby?"
- Me: "B-A-B-Y."
- Dad: "Ah shit."
I noticed a new candle in the dining room today. I went to smell it and it had no smell. So I dug my nails into it to see if it was was made of wax.
It’s made of wax.
But when I turned it over, I saw a place to insert batteries.
It also has a faux wick (I broke it).
What gives?
It’s depressing. I see them walking around and looking all pathetic and I’m like, “Do you want me to do the dishes? Because you look like you’re about to croak. And if you croak at the sink, I’m probably going to feel bad.”
My dad quickly got out of his chair after hearing me say the turkey was at the optimum temperature and asked my mom, “it’s at 161?” to which my mom replied, “no, she’s full of shit” while waving me off behind her.
- Britney: "Woah, look at that beautiful bluebird."
- Desi: "That's not blue, it's black. And it's a crow. It's a big, fat trash bird.
- *mom and dad are talking about the sleep study my dad has tonight*
- Dad: "it's going to be hard to sleep with that crap taped to my head."
- Me: "you're going to sleep like shit."
- *mom and dad are talking in the living room; I use the noisy fucking ice maker at the peak of their conversation*
- Me: "you guys trying to have a discussion?"
